a long hibernation

the initial beginning of my blog came through the consistent prodding of a friend. i knew i liked the concept; an open platform to communicate, an easy (free) avenue to grow relationships - with the many people i love who also happen to live far, far away. why did i not follow through? the answer can be found by taking a look into the title of my blog as well as the most recent post - September 29, 2004. wow...over a year of silence. the silence began when i shut out myself, my family and God from the view on the inside. i stopped looking deep inside...life rolled along.

after a long year of heartache, struggle, painful growth and change - God has remained. He heard my cry, "Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down, that the mountains would tremble before you!...All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away. ...Yet, O Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand. Do not be angry beyond measure, O Lord; do not remember our sins forever. Oh, look upon us, we pray, for we are all your people." - Isaiah 64

at some point over a year ago, i unconsciously gave in...to lies. i began to believe "I am not worthy. - of others love, of God's love, to succeed and pursue my dreams - the list could go on. i truly believed i had nothing of worth to say and contribute, and so i became silent. none of this happened with my knowing. it was as if one day i realized something needed to change but i had not the slightest idea what. this journey is too long, complex, and deep to share on a blog. but i wanted to share publicly, a glimpse of what i am learning about myself. this blog is for the people closest to me...so they can be kept up to date on the life of rudy, mel, melissa, etc. others will read and i am excited about those people who happen to stumble across my writings. for now...on this almost Christmas Eve (the night before Christ came to earth to demonstrate real love) i write for my family and dearest friends.

thank you for loving me and standing by me. thank you for the support and constant message of truth. without love - your love and HIS - i am simply nothing. the journey is far from over. much like Christian in Pilgrims Progress...i have walked down the path i saw as good and have been held captive and beaten by the Giant Despair. escaping with my life (love of God)...i am slowly recognizing; the wrong turn i took, why i decided to walk that way, the right path, and what it will take to press on toward the Celestial City.

my purpose in life is to glorify God. am i willing to surrender all of me? to give my utmost for his highest? i say yes...the answers will come as i allow myself to believe God loves me unconditionally and as i trust him with my life...come what may!

so here it is...the emerging me from hibernation.

my deepest fear.
Trust in you - why i ask?
Trust in love - what love?
Unabandoned raw emotion - the real stuff.
Who wants it?

To speak and truly be heard,
To be felt and understood.
To let life slowly pass by.
To live life alone - undesired; unreciprocated love.

Fear felt and experienced...
What is my deepest fear?

Trusting the one who has always loved me and will
contintue to love me when all love is gone.