arkansas - pt. 2

So...after graduating from Indiana Wesleyan University i moved to Siloam Springs, Arkansas. IWU provided for me an awesome place of growth. a place of truly finding myself and my faith. if IWU was a safe place, a sanctuary among the trouble of life - arkansas was completely the opposite. I moved there to be the Asst. Women's Soccer Coach for John Brown University and to also work on my masters degree. Both of which i did while there. God had other things in store as well, Satan was working on some plans of his own. By the time i left Arkansas i was not only the proud recipient of a Master's of Science in Leadership and Ethics degree but also a humbled, scarred, and hurt young woman. Many things which took place while i was in Arkansas were due to my own decisions and actions. Much of what happened was just...life. The scary word most college students do not want to hear. I firmly believe the devil was working hard to try and destroy me. Let it be known...I am a more devoted and pasionate follower of Christ today because of what i experience while in arkansas.

How do I begin? Let me place a disclaimer first...the details of what happened in Arkansas are irrelevant. What is most important are the questions i began to ask and the changes which took place in me.
So a list, i think might be the best way to explain the happenings.

1. I lost my first job ever...i was let go ;-( What i heard was, "You are not good enough, you are incapable of performeing this job." For those of you who are used to excelling in things - you can understand and perhaps empathize when i say, my faith in myself was rocked to the core. I did not realize it then, only a few years later when still dealing with issues was i able to see how and when i began to question my self worth.

2. I questioned God's existence...probably a reaction from losing my job, which was my security and one way i could validate me taking care of myself. At this point, I began to lose control of my life. (Very important, yet the most difficult process to undertake when not of your own choosing.) *** Is it ever of our own choosing?

3. I became angry with my parents.

4. I became angry with the church. This is the church in general...the institution.

5. I sought comfort and love in all the wrong places.

6. I allowed my questioning heart, non-existent self-esteem, and angry soul to be abused in an unhealthy relationship.

7. I lived well below poverty...thankfully JBU provided many free meals via the Women's Soccer team ;-)


Now, I do not list these things to elicit any type of emotion or response. They are the facts...they are the stepping stones along my journey. Not that i would ask to repeat any one of them, but i see the positives. Some of these experiences have an issue all by themselves that I had to deal with. Others can be lumped together and seen in one issue. One such issue that became evident to me was that for the first time in my life i began to struggle with my self-worth, self-esteem, and value as a woman.

I have always struggled with sexuality and spirituality. Since my junior high days I remember struggling with religious issues and my faith. In high school I began struggling with my sexuality. Sexuality being the fact that I am a sexual being, created to be sexual. Growing up in a conservative, Christian faith and home; struggles, especially those involving anything to do with sex were not discussed. I learned to be the good Christian kid who knows right from wrong. How the heck i was supposed to know how to DO right when faced with temptation was beyond me. I knew the verses and i knew "what would Jesus do." Come on though...i was 16 and the temptations i was experiencing...i was not prepared to handle. Looking back, i have come to understand for me, it was because i viewed SEX as bad. SEX was the forbidden 3 letter word left out of discussions and for sure the issues, temptations, realities, decisions, and constant struggles were not to be brought up either. I don't think the Church new how to handle this topic in a culturally relevant way yet. Not that we have it figured out yet...but i think the Church is taking huge strides in the right direction.

So...in arkansas my struggle with sexual immorality took a turn for the worse. i had a low view of my self coupled with an aching heart spiritually and emotionally. i wish i would have been able to see the condition of my heart and soul. perhaps there is a way to be more aware in the present, rather than having to look back and see the lessons learned.

anyways -

About 5 months ago, I began to read Rob Bell's book Sex God. It was amazing for me. To read about the connection between spirituality and sexuality. To truly understand God created both. He created them to be intertwined. It took me a long time, a lot of hard, wrong decisions to finally truly understand me as a sexual being and how I could still be spiritual and a sexual being.

pg. 15 says,

"Because this is really about that.

It's always about something else.

Something deeper. Something behind it all. You can't talk about sexuality without talking about how we were made. And that will inevitably lead you to who made us. At some point you have to talk about God.

Sex. God. They're connected. And they can't be seperated. Where the one is, you will always fin d the other. This is a book about how sexuality is the "this" and spiritualiy is the "that." To make sense of the one, we have to explore the other."

A light bulb was turned on in my heart. Unfortunately, as is the case for me, it took my head a little longer to see the light.

more to come...