the time line

i finally feel up to posting another semi-serious blog. i really want to post some pictures for my sister, mom, and janis...but i still have to figure out how this all works using someone else's computer to download things and then upload them. anyways, i will post some pictures soon.

for now - here are a few ramblings.

there were many phases that i went through when i found out i was pregnant. here it goes.

1. THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!!!!! - i took 2 home tests, went to the dr., and then had an ultrasound...i was 7 weeks pregnant.

2. DISBELIEF - i could not believe i was pregnant. sometimes things happen when all reason tells you they should not. i did not want a baby at all and i could not believe this was reality.

3. SHOCK - not only could i not believe that i was pregnant but i also did not want a baby. this was not the timing nor the way i wanted/thought things would go. due to the fact that i did not want a baby at first i was thinking i would give the baby up for adoption. then over Christmas i realized it would be really hard to give the baby up.

4. THE FAMILY - over Christmas was when i told my immediate family. i knew that this would be the hardest but most needed and supportive step i would make.

5. LOGISTICS - i needed to find a dr., start packing (i knew i would move somewhere before the baby was born), deal with what was happening to my body...in early January I actually started to admit to myself that i wanted to keep the baby.

6. CAN I DO THIS? - thinking through can i really do this whole parenting thing...Physically, Emotionally, Financially. i was freaking out.

7. PHYSICALLY - how was i going to make it as single parent?

8. EMOTIONALLY - doing things all on my own, i realized from the start would be the most difficult thing i have ever had to deal with emotionally.

8. FINANCIALLY - how would i pay for and support this baby?

9. LETTING GO! - early in February i was reading and spending the night alone. i was listening to music and stumbled onto my sister, Paula's blog. she was writing a post about how she realized somewhere in the last 7 years of her life/marriage/being a mom that she was totally NOT in control. it is quite an amazing blog. it was at this poing i started to cry and God said to me, "are you ready to let go?" see...i had up to this point been controlling my life. i could work hard at school to acheive good grades, train harder to earn a spot athletically, i had made good and bad decisions, but up to this point in my life...i had controlled how my life went. it wasn't until that night, alone with God, that he spoke and i listened. it all came out, i admitted to myself, to God, and the next day to a few close friends that i was keeping the baby. God said, "Let go!" and i knew that if i was to keep this baby, there was NO way in this world that i could do it on my own. i would have to allow God to be in control...of me physically, emtionally, and financially. since that day...my life has never been the same. my relationship with God has completely changed, my priorities are completely different, and how i prioritize what i do with time. i would never have asked for my life to take this course. there is no way, i would change it.

1o. EXCITEMENT!!!! - then somewhere later in February, i started to get excited about having a baby and being a mom ;-) since that time my excitement has continued to grow as i have grown physically!!!

so there it is...the timeline of life transition. i feel as if this is not the first timeline of transition for me...i know it will not be the last. life is constantly changing and as i learn to accept the unknown turns and twists it takes, I learn how amazing it is to know that God is in control and I am NOT!!

how has God challenged you lately to "let go?"