small and big

this weekend Dimitri went snow boarding with two of his friends up at Whiteface, NY. it is safe to say i wish i could have gone as well but...i am very happy he is able to go. you would think on this weekend of me being home with the girls and he being up on a snowcapped mountain flying down, i would be a little on edge or at the least pining away my day with visions of me beside him. that is not the case. this weekend i saw God answering my prayer to take away my anger (not anger at Dimitri or the girls, but anger in general...more on that topic later) in small and big ways. i have been brought to tears twice this weekend by this

saturday morning the girls and i bundled up and walked to the library and then walked to our favorite treat spot. it is not often i let Kajsa indulge but today her and i shared a cinnamon roll. Leora even had a  small, non-icing covered bite ;-) it was a joy to see her enjoy it.

then Kajsa broke out in dance. the coffee shop had live music and that girl loves to move and loves to dance even more. she amazed me and everyone in that place with her spirit and joy. it was contagious and this mama's heart was so very full, tears brimming at the eyes, 

realizing this is all going to pass way too quick. and there it was....

that feeling...i have not had in a VERY long time. 

her childhood is going to be gone before i know it. i must be careful. 

to enjoy. to watch. to live fully with her. to engage. to allow myself to be stolen away by her joy. her pure joy. 

and that is the big...i have had a rough go of it with Kajsa for over a year. i can't remember the last time i felt this way, i have been wishing away these days. 

praying for patience, endurance, and the knowledge to know what to do. and then here, 

God says, "just live with her. 

dance. 

love. 

give her grace. 

watch her...truly watch her and learn. 

become more like her...for this is how to enter my kingdom. with joy unspeakable, joy like a child." 

that was saturday and through my tears i was praising and thanking God for allowing me to see it, to feel it, to realize what i have. two precious girls...just like me in so many ways and yet so different. each day i see more of who they are. praying for God to shape their heart.

early in the morning, i light a candle to remember to be a light. give light. do not hide the light Christ has set aflame inside me. in those small moments i have each morning, God speaks. he touches my cold and calloused heart and says, let go. allow me to lead you. let me control your life. not just my life as i see it play out everyday. he is telling me to let go, give control of my life as a mother to him. He is big enough to take care of them and small enough to meet them right where they are. 

Kajsa - 

4 and 4 1/4 months until 5, she keeps telling this mama. 4 1/2 more months until i am 5. (and yes i was crying while writing that, thank you God for tears)

Leora - 

13 months...taking steps as i write

He is all they need and better yet, all i need to be the mama they need.